While sick, Peter likes to watch through kid’s films, and so during a particularly horrendous bout of illness, turned to a movie that he’d somehow never seen (despite it seemingly being a part of everyone else’s childhood) and shared his thoughts live on his Facebook wall. :  Peter: Watching The Never-Ending Story for the first time ever. Except for a giant flying dog thing, I have no idea what this film is about. Peter: Will update with thoughts as I have them Brenton: Be careful. Falcor likes children. Lauren: If you’re watching it on DVD turn the captions on! My sister did them Peter: Haha that’s awesome Peter: This kid is awful at buttering his bread Peter: Holy crap this dad is just gung-ho representing the establishment. ‘IMAGINATION BAD’ Peter: ‘FOLLOW THE RULES. RESPONSIBILITY IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN GRIEF’ Brenton: Congratulations. You’ve found the theme! (that and innocence really) Jasmine: How have you never seen this, I thought you liked movies Peter: Haha the bullies made a fully-grown adult spill some milk. I bet he immediately cried about it. Jasmine: The second one is also good, the third one is terrible Brenton: Don’t watch Never Ending Story 3. Or do, for how bad it is. Brenton: It has Jack Black as a villain. Jasmine: I also really like the book, which is what the first two films are based on but the third movie is all made up, and the book is awesomer because it has a centaur in it with a Prince Albert piercing. Jasmine: I remember thinking that was weird for a children’s book. Peter: ‘Come closer, kid. I know you’re already uncomfortably close but come even closer.’ Brenton: “Books are safe!” ‘and I’m guessing you’re not…crazy book nut. I’m calling the police’ Peter: ‘Books are my happy place’ Peter: ‘Where the bread butters itself’ Brenton: ‘Books are wonderful. Which is why we adapted all books into movies so you never have to read again’ Peter: Is that a book up your shirt, or are you just pregnant to see me? Brenton: ‘I’ll return your book. And teach you how to write so fast and neatly while shoplifting at the same time’ Peter: Okay this attic set is pretty cool Peter: Oh man I can only hope that reading this book sucks him into an adventure and he leaves with the life skills to deal with his real world problems. Brenton: I don’t want to spoil the movie for you Peter Peter: Anyone know off-hand whether this was pre or post Labyrinth? Xander: Pre! 1984 was this, Layrinth was 1986 Brenton: Neverending Story 1986 Xander: This offhand knowledge brought to you by google Brenton: I googled it too but raced to type it first to sound smart and messed up. Xander: Brenton loses the Peter-status game Xander: All other friends are still contenders Brenton: To note: I REALLY like this movie for it’s innocence, but for that same reason it’s REALLY stupid in places, and there have been several Cracked articles about the logic/moral of the ending. Peter: The puppetry doesn’t hold a torch. Was curious as to whether this was adapted after Labyrinth’s success or if Labyrinth was green-lit off the back of this Traci: Read the book. It’s pretty much the first half of the book. Hannah: The book is extraordinary and the movie only covers the first half of it. You have to read it! Peter: I’m just going to warn everyone right now – I’m probably never going to read the book, and certainly not right now. Peter: Oh wow this land is called ‘Fantasia’. Peter: Oh I see these characters are meant to be tiny. Didn’t get that until now Peter: Peter: Who’s the snail-rider? The actor is familiar Xander: They say his actor name in the book, maybe check there? Brenton: The crazy characters (well…plus Artax) is what makes this movie so popular, in my opinion. Like Alice In Wonderland. Very Adventure / creativity driven Brenton: Very simple plot. Peter: I can’t work out what’s less convincing – the bat-puppet, or the idea that the bat is flying so fast that his passenger is horizontal McKinley: Peter: I really want someone to co-hate this movie with me. Let me know how that works out. Brenton: I’d say it’s the fact that the bat falls asleep yet he continues to green-screen-travel in a straight line. Peter: Surely…surely bats don’t fly while they’re asleep. Peter: Suspension of disbelief: shattered. Jasmine: Nooooooo I googled it and found out that back in 1979 when the book was written Prince Albert was a coat not a penis piercing. Jasmine: My enjoyment of the book has lessened slightly. Peter: I never thought anything could beat out Buffy‘s ‘The First Evil’ for stupidest villain, but nope – ‘The Nothing’ has done it. Xander: I like The First Evil. It wasn’t The Mayor, sure- but who is these days? Brenton: The Nothing is about the only thing that is pure theme and not very creative. Peter: Hey the kid stopped reading the book. I thought that wasn’t possible? Peter: (because it’s never-ending) Peter: (like in the title) Peter: The mighty warrior is a KID!??!??????!!!??!?!?????? Peter: We have nothing to fear but nothing itself McKinley: I would also like you to co-hate Bastien’s stupid voice, face and all his dialogue with me. Peter: Which one is Bastien? Brenton: …you’re just messing with us now, aren’t you? McKinley: The main irritating kid who isn’t the first irritating kid. Peter: Crowd: ‘He’s doing the thing we just asked him to!??! Whaaaaaat?’ Peter: I thought the new kid was Attrayan or something? Peter: I’m sick so I haven’t been catching names Brenton: The kid reading the book is Bastien. Jasmine: Second kid is Atreyu Jasmine: The luck dragon is Falcor. And the Childlike Empress is annoying. Peter: Haven’t met the dragon or Empress yet McKinley: oh I meant Atreyu. McKinley: But if you’ve already started hating Bastien by mistake, that’s fine too. Peter: Haha this puppetry is so, so awful Jasmine: Falcor is amazing and I bet you will dance like crazy to the song even though you’re sick Peter: Yeah, horse! Eat the kid’s face! Peter: Eat the whole kid! Peter: Man, I can’t believe the movie ends after half an hour with a long scene of a horse just eating a kid. Peter: What an awesome film. Peter: Thanks for reading along guys! Brenton: Yeah, agree the childlike empress is just lamely done. (I saw the cartoon version of this as a kid so I have most characters memorised and a passion for the concept) but even I have hate certain aspects of this movie. I like most of it, but some of the acting is awful. Peter: The kid is riding the horse instead of being eaten by it. Peter: This must be the director’s cut or something Brenton: Really can’t tell if Peter hates this film and is tearing it apart, or is just mocking it for fun. McKinley: I’ll be crushed if he turns out to be joking. Peter: Hahaha “The Desert of Shattered Hopes” Peter: “The Deadly Swamps of Sadness” Peter: A clinically depressed cartographer worked in Fantasia, I see Brenton: The ‘This-swamp-was-made-with-your-kids-tears’ swamp. McKinley: In fairness, Australia has a Mt. Disappointment Brenton: Is that what Tony Abbott calls his penis? Peter: If you let the sadness overtake you, you sink into the swamp. Roll your will-check, horse! Peter: Kiss him on the mouth! It works in most movies! Peter: Is this going to be the first film where a horse dies of depression? Peter: Oh my god he actually did!! Peter: That…I really wasn’t expecting that! Peter: Peter: Haha and now both kids are crying. Peter: I’m getting way too much enjoyment out of this horse’s death Peter: Hang on isn’t the kid super sad now? Doesn’t that mean the swamp should eat him too? Peter: I mean he’s openly crying which the horse wasn’t Brenton: It’s the ONLY film where a horse dies of sadness, as far as I know. Brenton: Or only kids film at least…I haven’t seen My Little Pony yet. Peter: I find it interesting that you don’t think “My Little Pony” is for kids Peter: Every time the book-kid says something dramatic and we cut to the real-life kid I expect him to get sucked into the book Peter: I wonder if the librarian dude called the cops on the little shoplifter Peter: I bet he never even gets punished for stealing Jasmine: Uhhh….you don’t think watching a horse die is punishment enough? Peter: Why was Bastion so freaked out by the turtle? Peter: Maybe that’s how his mum died Peter: Giant fictional turtle Peter: Hang on my sense of scale is all screwed up. Is this a regular-sized turtle? Everyone else is tiny, yeah? Peter: Maybe the swamp is just a small puddle Jasmine: Is this on tv? I wanna watch it now…. Peter: This turtle is taking apathy to a whole new level Peter: There’s opportunity for some great puns here Peter: ‘I’m afraid of nothing!’ Peter: Turtle: “Nothing matters!” Peter: He really should have said ‘Exactly!’ Brenton: Also Peter, in the second one there is a villain called “The Empty” which can only beaten by ‘the filling’ which is created by a dentist. Brenton: The Empty part is true. The rest is just me screwing with you. Peter: So if they can hear the kid’s (totally unexplained) screams, can they hear the school bell as well? Can they feel everything stop when he stops reading? Peter: (That one was for you, McKinley) Peter: Did I miss why the book-kid can’t bring weapons, or was it just not explained? Jasmine: I like to imagine he can’t bring weapons cuz he has no shirt Jasmine: Peter: Giant dog dragon!!! Peter: Man this kid reads slooowww Peter: Oh I see. The dog dragon is a giant Deus Ex Machina. Jasmine: …yeah, it’s what happens when they split the book’s story in half but then end the first film with an actual ending. Jasmine: And then decide the Nothing can’t come back. Peter: Is this book-kid actually Indian? Or just a white kid in Native American garb? Jasmine: He’s a plainsperson! Peter: The moral of this scene seems to be ‘When you wake up in the arms of a stranger who likes children, feel bad for trying to sneak away’ Peter: ‘Now touch me, kid. Touch me where I instruct you to.’ Brenton: ‘If someone asks you to touch the fluffy, touch the fluffy’ Peter: The dragon actually just said that. Peter: Actual line from the film. Peter: Congrats kid, you just got your kidnapper off. Brenton: Why do you think the old librarian was so afraid of the book? Brenton: (and now lives his days in a library away from people…) Peter: Jesus this puppetry is awful. Peter: ‘Having a Deus ex Machina with you is the only way to go on a quest’ Brenton: When you call something a “luck dragon” I’m sure that’s proper setup for “incredibly convenient plot point” Peter: The luck dragon seems to spend his time looking for lonely kids to ‘help’ Jasmine: Oh and in case you haven’t noticed, Bastian’s name has the initals B.B.B and the librarian man is C.C.C Peter: I didn’t even know the librarian guy had a name Jasmine: Yeah, it was on the door when Bastien broke in Peter: Hey look, it’s Griphook Peter: Haha these guys represent science vs faith! This film is getting POLITICAL Brenton: But note that back in these days, SCIENCE was full of crack-pots. Way to satirize modern culture by flipping opposites on us. Peter: Okay mate we get it. Science is arrogant, self-obsessed and annoying. Point: made Peter: These guys need marriage counselling Peter: So I’m guessing book-kid is normal-sized? Or these guys are just microscopic Peter: Do they have proportional strength? Like ants? Jasmine: Atreyu is normal sized Brenton: He likes ants, so if he thinks these are ant people he might like the movie more. Peter: They’re really making no effort to show scale. Peter: In this shot the science dude looks normal-sized compared to the kid. Peter: Okay so they’re like half the size of the kid. Peter: I was imagining fairies or pixies, not just… I dunno, kids. Brenton: Ingywook (the science guy) is certainly meant to be smaller. In the cartoon it was a running joke that he would travel to their world and almost get crushed every time. Peter: Them sphinxes just blew that dude up Peter: And science is being all like ‘aw man I wanted to watch them die! What’s the point in owning a telescope if you can’t even access live-action snuff?’ Peter: Hopefully the kid is the diamond in the riamond in the rough Brenton: This part – I still don’t get. Brenton: All that science…and watch how the kid freaking takes on this challenge. Peter: Maybe if he’s sad enough he can sink into the ground and sneak past them that way Peter: Peter: Did not expect boobs to be in the film Brenton: Oh yeah, stone boobs. More than once. Stone boobs are never censored. Peter: Ooh that’s creepy. Burned-face man Peter: Why isn’t science watching the kid die? Isn’t that his whole thing? Peter: Oh I see. The trick is just to NOT let the lasers hit you. Peter: Amazing that no one ever thought of that before. Brenton: ‘If you can only get past by being The Chosen One, and you are NOT the Chosen One, try outrunning the magic lasers. That should work, fuck science’ Jasmine: Or he could have just flown around the sphinxes with Falcor, but whatevs…. Peter: ‘Hey I’m going to go try to get past the sphinxes’ Peter: ‘Make sure you let the lasers hit you!’ Peter: ‘Why even bother if you’re trying to avoid the lasers?’ Peter: Hang on what would happen if real-life-kid went back a few chapters and shouted ‘Don’t take the horse with you! He’ll just die and really serve no other purpose!’? Brenton: He has that freaking Auryn (the magic medallion thing), and he’s NOT the Chosen One? Brenton: Who da’fuck is then? Peter: Why is Bastion suddenly asking if they know him? It’s prompted by literally nothing Peter: Also is he sleeping in the attic? Jasmine: I think Bastien is sleeping in the attic because the story is SO GOOD and his dad is so depressed and a bad dad. Brenton: You know what? It never occurred to me that the kid could go back pages. But that’s cause the story is being created as he reads, and I just assumed the prior pages would be blank if he ever went back. Peter: This makes me want to watch Imaginationland again Peter: Kid: “Faster, Balcor!” Peter:
Peter:
Brenton: It’s a film where the main character is a child. So of course it’s never explained why his parents or teachers never go looking for him. Peter: Haha seriously? They couldn’t find any actual clouds and had to use a greenscreen? Brenton: They hadn’t invented Rent-A-Cloud back then Peter: Oh dragon dog. You are so shit. Brenton: It wasn’t “luck dragon”. He was misheard and he has a lisp on his F’s. Peter: I assume that’s cocaine that he’s blowing off the book? Peter: Oh man I can’t wait for the scene where the dragon dog gets shot down by the US airforce Peter: Peter: Oh! So AS WELL as the other dudes being small, the stone eater is ALSO giant. Peter: Fuck this film’s ability to convey scale. Peter: Let’s stop arguing and just agree that EVERYONE failed, guys. Brenton: You’re seriously going to hate the ending Peter: ‘The Nothing will be here any minute.’ Or is it ALREADY HERE?? Peter: They have cave paintings of “OTHER” chosen ones Peter: maybe chosen ones who didn’t suck so much. Peter: Maybe they managed to hold onto their freaking horses, mate. Brenton: “The Nothing” : Other suggested names rejected include: Brenton: ‘The Thingy-ma-jig’ Peter: ‘The, uh, spooky! So spooky!’ Peter: I can’t work out if bad-CGI wolf is better or worse than bad-puppet wolf Brenton: I’d say it’s worse, but the lighting effects make it seem better. Like the dark lightning makes it more threatening and not as obvious Peter: ‘I will not die easily…I am a brave warrior!’ Peter: How well you gonna do without your Deus ex Machina? Brenton: ‘I’m evil, so I’ll rip out your throat…once I get up from this spot which I’ve been sitting in instead of eating you from behind’ Peter: ‘I will not die easily! I’ll just fluke my way undeservedly through absolutely everything!’ Peter: People are losing their imagination…let me guess, because VIDEO GAMES!?!? Peter: ‘It’s new so it must be bad for us’ Peter: This would have been a lot easier if you’d just brought your weapons instead of arbitrarily leaving them behind. Brenton: ‘I’ll just luck my way out of any danger’ Brenton: That’s pretty much how the people from Labyrinth and Dark Crystal and Star Wars and Harry Potter did it. Peter: Brenton you could hardly be more wrong Peter: We’ll discuss it at length some other time Peter: Haha hey kid if you stop reading the book no one will die! Peter: Man this film has a pretty high body-count Peter: ‘Lets hope the ivory tower is still standing and make absolutely no effort to check’ Peter: ‘I’m going to eat this apple in celebration! Remember kids, fruit (and books) are the best! Video games suck!’ Peter: Man this ivory tower shot must have been expensive, considering how much screen-time it’s getting Peter: Or it’s meant to have some kind of emotional resonance which it absolutely lacks. Peter: So hang on the people in Fantasia are aware of humans but have never met them? Are they also aware that they’re fictional, or was that a big revelation? Peter: Man, during that fight Atrayu got some pretty heavy makeup smeared on his chest Brenton: The staring-into-the-camera-shot Peter: They just started saying ‘Earthling’ in the place of of human. Weird. Peter: Oh niiiiice. I actually really dig this twist Peter: This is freaking cool Peter: Totally justifies the horse’s death and everything Peter: Okay, got to admit, I’m more than a little impressed. Really well set-up Peter: I AM A PART OF THE STORY Peter: Although ‘watched’ would have been infinitely better than ‘read’ at that moment Peter: It’s totally you, Bastion!! It’s you!! Peter: Oh man I am suddenly so emotionally invested in this Peter: Do it, kid!! Do it!! Peter: It would be cooler if we got to shout at the screen at this point Peter: Dora the Explorer style Brenton: I dunno how they’d do that, unless it was like Playschool and they just went ‘That’s right, kids at home – THAT’s my name now…’ Jasmine: Hahahaha now you need to watch the second one! Peter: Ho man I don’t think I’ve ever seen a third act save the first two do effectively Brenton: Peter, if you can tell me what name he says, I’ll be impressed. Peter: He named her ‘Swiper’ and told her ‘NO SWIPING’ Peter: Oh man Bastion the power is within you!! Peter: It was inside you all along! Peter: I can see why people hate this, but yeah – I really dig it. Brenton: I don’t find it redeeming (probably cause I enjoyed the rest of the movie) as much as just over-the-top. Especially since Bastien pretty much muffles the most key-plot point of the whole thing. Peter: Would be cooler if he became a writer instead of just arbitrarily wishing Peter: Actually encouraging doing something with this imagination instead of just ‘having’ it Peter: Okay yeah I totally see why this is a classic. Sorry, McKinley! Peter: Wtf was the point of the bat guy though? Peter: Not a fan of bringing the horse back to life, either Peter: Hahaha please tell me the dragon is going to swoop down and kill the bullies Peter: ‘Tonight at 7, three young boys killed by magical luck dragon’ Brenton: ding ding ding, correct! well…sorta Cherese: I just arrived. I read through earlier comments and was pissed off at you for hating on such an amazing film. I’m glad you’re invested now Peter: Now they hide in the bookstore and find a book called ‘how to take over Fantasia’ Brenton: Hence though why I said “you found the theme” at the start. Imagination, and what happens if there’s a lack of it (according to the writer, depression and video games) is the entire key to this movie. Brenton: Although it’s a similar theme to Wizard Of Oz (dreams and innocence) so it’s strange you love this but hate that. Peter: Piss off, random narrator Peter: Oh!! The snail guy is all the Oompa Loompas in the Burton version of Willy Wonka Peter: That’s why I recognised him Peter: Patricia Hayes is the only other familiar name Peter: Unless Noah Hathaway is Anne’s dad Peter: Final verdict: 7/10, worth watching. Peter: Maybe 6.5. It’s awful for so long… Brenton: It’s stupid, but only because ‘childish’ is it’s main drive I say. Which is the whole point of the ending McKinley: My basic reason for not liking this movie is that, themes and ending and everything aside, I found both characters so unlikable that I didn’t want them to succeed, and I was willing to sacrifice the citizens of Fantasia, which I quite liked, to that end. Jasmine: He named her Moon Child, which is apparently his mum’s name. Brenton: Even now that I know that, everytime I hear him say it I swear he’s saying ‘Moomaya!’ Peter: Okay let’s be honest someone called Moon Child would never willingly shack up with the lame Dad at the start Peter: Presumably Bastion was an accident, and they had to have a shotgun wedding Peter: (Although it does explain why they called him Bastion) Jasmine: Also, you have now successfully made me want to search for my copy of the book to reread. YAY STORIES. |
